If I had a dime for every time somebody told me I should start a blog, I’d be a millionaire.
I don’t think I ever actually intended to do it, though.
I always knew I had a knack for writing, but I didn’t think it’d ever be anything except a hobby. Growing up, I’d fill notebooks and journals with stories, poems, all kinds of creative writing, but I hid all of my journals and notebooks in shoeboxes in my closet. I didn’t want anyone to see any of my writing. As a matter of fact, I was kind of embarassed by it.
I have never really put much weight on my thoughts, my feelings, or what I’ve had to say. I’ve relied a lot on my sense of humor to get me by, because in my mind, nothing is worse than that “heart-to-heart” person who manages to turn everything into a serious, emotional, heartfelt situation. I am the stark opposite of serious and emotional. On the contrary, I try to make light of absolutely everything.
Yet here I am, posting my thoughts on a public blog, for the entire Internet world to see!
But this time, I have a purpose.
All my life, I’ve waged an internal war with my body image. I cannot recall a time in my life where I was totally satisfied with the way I looked. I have always thought I could stand to lose some weight, even at my lowest weight.
I draw confidence from the fact that I am a funny, cheerful person who knows how to make people laugh. That is most definitely my forte, and I work it to my advantage as much as I possibly can. An inexplicable joy overcomes me when I make people laugh and bring people happiness. It’s very gratifying, and something I enjoy doing very much.
However, in terms of body image, I am the polar opposite of confident, which is why I started this blog.
I grew tired of being self-conscious, always feeling like my clothes didn’t fit me properly, comparing myself to my girlfriends and finding that I was consistently the “bigger girl”. I know it isn’t a good idea to compare yourself to others, but it becomes difficult not to, when the difference is so apparent.
It is time for me to be confident in every aspect, not just in my sense of humor or my ability to make a witty remark. It’s time for me to feel beautiful inside and outside, to look in the mirror and finally be happy with what I see. I’m not looking to be a size 2, or even a size 10, I’m just looking to be a size healthy and happy.
They say the journey of a million steps starts with one step- the first step- and that the first step is usually the hardest. And boy, is that ever true. I have never been more particular about what I eat, I have never said ‘no’ to myself so many times, and I have never gone to the gym so much in my entire life.
But it’s working. I’m seeing results. I’m feeling accomplished, more energetic, happier. I want my kids to have a healthy, happy, energetic mama- I want them to have a hard time keeping up with me!
I know I’m nowhere near where I want to be, but I’m most definitely a hell of a lot closer than I was yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that.
So here’s to the first step, and every step thereafter.