Look at me go! I’m really getting back into the blogging swing of things. I think I’ve even surprised myself. Hopefully I stick with it and keep unloading a play by play of my life onto this page. I’m sure there’s nothing more any of you want than that… Right? Hello?
Today we got the distinct privilege of getting to take a trip to the pediatrician, which is something I absolutely despise doing, because the very last thing I’m interested in doing is sitting in the middle of a germ infested cesspool, sucking in every other kid’s germs every time I take a breath. Not to mention, for some reason, we are always stuck there at least two to three hours, regardless of whether we have an appointment, while every sick kid in town parades in and sneezes in our faces.
When Mallory woke up this morning, her eyes seemed irritated, and I guess you don’t need a medical degree to diagnose pink eye, because I knew what it was before we went to the doctor. On that note, I’m thinking a medical degree is pretty worthless unless you’re a brain surgeon or something, because I’ve been able to correctly diagnose my kids almost every time they’ve been sick. Why are these people going to school for 8 years? Pop some kids out and you’ll acquire all the knowledge you need. Clearly.
While sitting in the waiting room for approximately two hours, I was able to do something I really enjoy- people watch. Based on today’s doctor’s visit, I was able to compile a list of “waiting room parents,” describing the different types of parents you might come across in a pediatrician’s waiting room. Many are interchangeable with types of “playground parents,” but others are unique to a pediatrician’s office.
– The “overachiever” – This parent usually has an entire bag of snacks, juice boxes, games, toys, at least one iPad/tablet, games, books, and other random diversions for their child to partake of during the wait. They also usually have only one child, because who the hell has the time to pack all that shit?
– The “businessperson” – This parent usually has their entire face in the screen of their smartphone or tablet for the entire duration of the wait. The “businessperson” can also be found at many local playgrounds or Jumparoos, appearing quite important and busy while their face is totally dominated by whatever screen they’re staring into. Usually, this is a farce, and they are really just updating their Facebook status or playing Words With Friends to avoid actually interacting with their child.
– The “disinfecter” – This parent is usually no more than 1 1/2 steps away from their child at all times, with a handful of baby wipes, wiping their child’s hand/mouth/face/eye every single time they make contact with any surface in the waiting room. I used to be “the disinfecter” until I couldn’t disinfect three people running in three different directions.
– The “basketball wife” – This parent is usually dressed to the nines, and maintains an appearance that would indicate she was on her way to a club and not a pediatrician’s office. She usually has little to no conversation with her only child, and typically will have a nanny along to help her with the apparently difficult tasks of sitting and waiting.
– The “father” – This parent is usually the male parent, and usually has no clue what the workings of a pediatrician’s office are. Inquisitive by nature, this parent will usually ask if he has to sign in, where the sign in sheet is, where the bathroom is, where his wife is, and how he got stuck taking his child to the doctor.
– The “ignorer” – This parent has resigned themselves to the fact that they have little to no control over their children, and will usually sit idly as their children wreak absolute havoc in the waiting room, usually commencing around hour two of waiting. They can be seen staring blankly into the distance as their children move chairs, tables, and trash cans. The other parents may glance at the ignorer disapprovingly, but the ignorer is probably just glad to be able to sit down for a couple of hours.
– The “new parents” – These parents almost always both come to the pediatrician. This very rarely happens with the other types of parents on this list. These are new parents, with their newborn. They are both extremely proud of their new baby, as they should be, and stare so hard at the other parents in the room that their gaze practically bores holes into them, waiting for the other parents to ask about their newborn. They gloat happily over the new baby, because they’ve obviously not experienced months on end of not sleeping. Soon enough, “new parents.” Soon enough.
– The “been there, done thats” – I think I belong in this category. These parents usually have at least two children, and they are just praying to any god that will listen that those children behave for the duration of the visit, and don’t drop any F bombs when it comes time to get vaccinated.
Which parent are you?