It’s been pretty difficult to ignore the influx of pregnancy/birth announcements and newborn baby pictures on my Facebook feed. I get it, people- everyone’s having babies! Except me. Thank God.
I always scroll through all the cutesy posts about pregnancy and new babies kind of wistfully, particularly if it’s a first time mom posting it. It’s definitely sweet to see all these women so excited about bringing forth new life to the world, and I was totally there at one point, as well, but it’s hard to not wonder if these women truly know what they are in for. That last sentence sounds a little crappy and jaded, but I’m serious! Do they really know the kind of atomic bomb that’s about to land right on their heads? Methinks not.
So luckily, I’m here to piss on your parade and write the Unofficial Handbook For Preparing Yourself To Be A Parent. I’m not a parenting guru or a specialist, I’m just a lady with a big mouth and three wild hellions. So here we go.
– In preparation for a new baby, after you’ve prepared your mouthwatering, sorely needed cup of coffee in the morning, set it down on the counter, then walk away. Walk back to get it two minutes later. Bring the cup to your mouth, then put it down and walk away again. Twenty minutes later, walk back and finally have your first sip. Then walk away again for another half hour. Repeat until coffee becomes too cold to drink. Put it in the microwave and repeat until you’ve had to reheat it four times.
– Set an alarm to wake you up every two and a half hours throughout the night. Each time the alarm goes off, stay awake for thirty minutes. Attempt to stay awake and totally alert in a dimly lit or pitch black room. When you’ve finally gotten into a comfortable position, get up again and walk around the room for twenty minutes, singing a lullabye and saying “shhh.” Think about how delicious your bed would feel right now.
– When you serve yourself a plate of food, before you’ve eaten any of it, take half of what’s on your plate and scrape it into the trash. That’s the portion your child will eat off your plate after they’ve had breakfast, lunch, two snacks, a cup of chocolate milk, three pouches of fruit snacks, a pudding, and an entire school of Goldfish crackers.
– Watch Nickelodeon or Nick Jr. 24/7. If there is a show that interests you on, set a pack of wild hyenas loose in your living room, and attempt to keep them under control while you try to pay attention to your show.
– For a trip to the mall, gather the necessities. Make sure there are adequate snacks and drinks for everyone, in addition to diapers, wipes, a change of clothes for your potty training child, your baby carrier, your stroller, toys in case the baby gets restless or fussy in the stroller, and everything that could possibly keep your children satisfied, happy, and entertained while you’re out. On your way out, forget your coffee on the counter, and forget to go to the bathroom. Try not to piss yourself, because what the hell are you going to do with all those kids while you’re answering the call of nature? The last thing you need is to be on the news, explaining your children were kidnapped while you were peeing like a racehorse in the handicapped stall. You’re not even handicapped.
– When you’re in the shower, wash your entire body and hair in less than thirty seconds. Showers are no longer for relaxation. Think of yourself as a NASCAR racecar at a pit stop. You’re just in there as long as you need to be, then get the hell out and get back into the race. There’s macaroni and cheese that needs to be made.
– While you drive, make sure you reach into the backseat no less than seven times every three minutes to hand someone something, break up a fight, or take something from someone who’s beating someone else over the head with it. Try not to go flying off the road while looking into the rear view mirror almost the entire time you’re driving.
I hope this post has helped some of you who are new parents or soon-to-be parents look forward to the true joys of parenthood! I bet you guys are just jumping out of your skin with anticipation now!
In other news, follow me on Twitter. I finally got a Twitter account at @LosinChronicles (no G on purpose- it wouldn’t fit, haha). I’m thinking of creating a Facebook for my blog, but I’m still on the fence about that. I’m trying to expand my social media presence in the hopes of creating a larger readership. In other words, I’m just trying to expose more people to my mental diarrhea that flows through my fingertips and onto this blog. Spread the word if you enjoy reading, and thanks so much to those of you who do read along about my crazy life. I really appreciate it! 🙂