The Rules To Naming Your Baby Right & Not Ruining Their Life


Every single day, I am eternally grateful I don’t have to work in a doctor’s office or a place where I’d need to call out a person’s name regularly, particularly because some people out there have some jankyass names.

Naming your baby is always a fun and exciting part of pregnancy and having a new baby, and it’s typically encouraged that parents select a name that they feel is suitable and appropriate, as well as one that appeals to them. However, many people don’t realize that these parents may also find other things “appealing,” such as hot pink spandex, mashed potatoes that come in a box, and Walmart brand hot dogs. Sometimes these people are not in the position to make the kind of decision that will bear a great amount of influence on the life of another human being. I mean, think of how important your name is. You are known by this moniker. It’s up to your parents to bestow this upon you, before you’re even born. This involves some thought. And I don’t trust anyone who eats store brand hot dogs.

The way my husband and I worked it out, he got to name our first child, I got to name our second, and we both happened to stumble upon a name we both liked for the third. Carl is a family name, and one that was very important to my husband, so it was also important to me. During my entire first pregnancy, I expected to deliver a child using a cane and holding a handkerchief in his back pocket, because the name “Carl” struck me as an old man name. However, now that he’s almost five, I can’t imagine him being named anything else.

The second time around, I’ll admit that I heard the name “Leland” from the show Dog, The Bounty Hunter. I am a huge fan of this show (I even dressed like Beth for Halloween once), and occasionally, when I tell people what Leland’s name is, people will say, “like that guy from that bounty hunter show?” … Yes. Like that guy from that bounty hunter show.

Now, I laid a few rules down before we picked any names for anyone. I think everyone should apply these rules when naming their children, because they’re good rules, and because I am a genius. Here they go:

1) No excessive use of the letter “y.” You may be thinking, “what’s wrong with the letter ‘y’?” I’ll tell you: everything. In almost every instance a “y” is used, an “i” can be more practically used. Unless it’s the last letter of the name, “y” is almost always ridiculous. “Lyndsay,” “Krysty,” “Dyana” … Really? Is that necessary? How about we just spell the name the way normal people spell it? Is that too much to ask? Or are you too busy spellyng everythyng else wyth a y?

2) No creative or confusing spelling. Later on in life, after your child is done confusing every teacher they ever come across with their creatively spelled name, they’re going to have to put that abomination on a resume for potential employers. When an employer is calling a potential employee for an interview, the last thing they want to do is hire a linguist to analyze the proper pronunciation of your unique little snowflake’s unique little name. Keep it simple, stupid.

3) No nature names. Whenever I meet someone whose name is “Sky,” “Willow,” or some other name based on nature, I automatically assume they’re going to offer me some marijuana. Don’t stigmatize your child with that. I realize they’re not all potheads, but when was the last time you met a kid named Mudslide? Tsunami? Poison Ivy? Yeah, never.

4) No apostrophes, hyphens, accents, or other such nonsense. What is the point of this? It doesn’t matter how many funny little symbols you throw into your kid’s name, unless you’re going to sound out every pause an accent every time you speak it, it’s irrelevant and ridiculous. Also, this is a name, not a set of Egyptian hieroglyphs, so please, quit while you’re ahead, Cleopatra.

5) No hooker names. I realize it’s not nice, but when I think of “Buffy,” “Bambi,” or “Ginger,” a giant light goes on in my head, and that light says “LIVE NUDES.”

6) NO NEVAEH. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I KNOW SOMEONE OUT THERE IS BEING PUNISHED RIGHT NOW FOR TAKING THE WORD “HEAVEN” AND FLIPPING IT BACKWARDS TO TURN IT INTO A NAME. Whoever came up with this idea deserves to be taken out back and whooped, because heaven backwards is hell. Good job. You named your kid Hell. I know you had to be the damn devil to name an innocent kid Nevaeh.

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