Solid Ground

Have you ever wished you could loosen your grip sometimes?

I find I have a very real issue loosening up and letting things just flow. Sometimes I attribute it to my personality, other times I attribute it to the fact that I’m a fucking basketcase. Either way, it’s not a pleasant feeling to always feel like I need to be in twenty different places, or else the entire world will crumble and explode. Sometimes, these feelings can have an effect on my temperament and my mood, and if things aren’t “just right,” I can kind of be a snappy little meanie.

I’m trying to be less snappy, and feel less like I need to have absolute control over what goes on around me, because when you’ve got 3 kids 4 and under, “absolute control” doesn’t even exist. I find the more controlling and OCD I become, the harder my kids rebel. It’s a very frustrating thing for me, because when the kids are throwing their toys everywhere, causing a huge ruckus, and turning the house into a circus, it is very anxiety inducing for me. When I feel like I’m losing control of the situation, I feel very overwhelmed, and I’m trying to overcome this.

In an ideal world, my kids would pick up all their toys, place their dishes in the sink, and listen when I talk. But since I’m realistic, and I know that my children are far too young to do those things, and even as they get older, will probably still not do those things, my brain understands that’s far too much to expect from them. However, I wish someone would explain those thoughts to the crazy anxiety that I suffer from when things are not in order, and when my kids are running around like Neanderthals.

I find that I tend to come across as a very relaxed, easygoing person, and I am, when I am not in an overwhelming situation. However, I hide my anxiety very well, and even when my brain is telling me, “oh my God look at this mess Christine look at this mess and they’re just making a bigger mess and now they’re throwing things Jesus what’s next is someone going to take a bath in the toilet what the fuck,” I tend to look very calm and collected on the exterior. It’s a very frustrating and exasperating thing to explain to people. And when I do, I’m often told, “well, just calm down.” And I’m like, “well, I just KIND OF CAN’T.”

Trust me, I wish I could turn it off like a switch, but if it were that easy, would I be on this blog typing this? Hell to the no.

I’m trying to be happy, easygoing mom. I’m trying my best for my kids to remember me as fun, happy, and carefree, and less like Joan Crawford holding a wire hanger. For my own sake, and for the sake of my kids, I feel like I really need to loosen up. I think it would improve their lives, and vastly improve my state of mind, because some days I feel like an atomic bomb is going off in my head about seventy different times.

I’m going to try to sweat the small stuff less, and get upset less. I tend to let things really upset me, and once I’m all wound up and upset, I start jumping to ridiculous conclusions and getting myself all worked up over something that could easily be dealt with in a calmer, more relaxed manner. I don’t like feeling so tightly wound, and I feel like sometimes I’m wound so tightly that I’m fraying at the ends, not unlike a badly laid weave.

When my kids reflect on their childhood, I want them to remember a happy mom, who always was ready and willing to engage them and be there for them. Some days, I feel like I’m crazy or something. Do other people feel this way? Is this normal?

So, HELP ME, OH INSIGHTFUL READERS! I need tips on how to unwind, relax, and decompress in a healthy way. I want to feel less like a robot and more like a human, and I need help with that. Some days I feel like a shell, going through the motions, and if my motions are interrupted, all hell breaks loose. I want to feel less like I’m on a high wire and more like I’m on solid ground.


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